Friday, September 26, 2008

Feeling the Wheel Turn

There are those times in our lives were we can feel, see or hear our connection to the greater universe. What we have to do it learn how to look for this connection. We have to learn how to "be still and listen". Yeah, Yeah, I know. Easier said than done.

I remember going through a particularly bad time in my career. I had a boss that did not respect me, my technical knowledge or my experience. No matter what I did she was dissatisfied or did not understand what I was trying to communicate. Additionally many jobs in my field were being sent to other countries because staff in these countries were "lowest cost providers". Needless to say this was an unhappy and stressful time. But it wasn't just me she was making miserable. She had managed to make at least a hundred people scattered literally across the country almost as miserable as me. We all thanked our God(s) that she didn't work in the same location as most of us!

One morning, very early, when I was going to work, I looked up in the sky and there was the waning moon bright and clear in the sky next to Venus and Mars and I just knew that it would all work out. Not right away but when I saw the moon in the sky I just knew that the Gods had found a way to tell me everything would be alright. The equivalent of a celestial pat on the hand. My boss moved on to another position and was actually counseled on her approaches. We got a new boss, who wasn't much better but at least different and well, some of the pressure came off. And then I was actually able to move out of one division of the very large corporation I work for and into another division. They wanted me for ME. And I love my job.

Now I can feel the wheel turning again. At this point it feels like the shift is both more subtle and greater. I am changing. Not my circumstances. Me.

I have always been a go-getter. I have always striven to do my very best, beyond what is simply necessary. Sometimes this led me to miss out on other aspects of my life or just not to take the time to fully appreciate these other aspects. But now every day there is an opportunity to relish living and experiencing life and all the little things. Now it feels like something inside me has finally figured out how to work and stop and smell the roses, simultaneously. Time seems to have slowed down to allow this.

Is it because I have allowed this to happen and I wasn't allowing it before? Is it because I have finally found the sweet spot? Is it because I have "earned" it, in that twisted Puritanical or as my family would say "Germanic sense"? Or have I finally just relaxed into it? Or gotten old enough and had enough experience to unconsciously figure it out? I know I have not been consciously working on a "problem", seeking a solution and finding it. I know how to do this. I know what consciously finding a solution feels like. This is significantly different.

It finally feels like I can "put all of my weight down". For many years I think I was perched on the edge of my own life, cautiously waiting for the next hit. Prepared, strong, capable but not necessarily comfortable. Anytime it felt too comfortable was a time to worry about the next big thing. It doesn't feel like that anymore. It feels like I'm in the flow, swimming, but with the tide not against it. Moving and integrally connected to the web of life, a happy part of it not just grist in the wheel. And I like it.

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